my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Drunk is not a location!
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
