I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
