i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize