He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
