I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize