i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
