Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
