there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
