Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
