mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
