i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
