she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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