I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Banned from zoo.
Again?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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