she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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