he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
