he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
