some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
