My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
pop tarts are not kleenex
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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