That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
