a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
