so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
