you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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