Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
