Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
