it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
