I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
