OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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