he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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