i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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