Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
