Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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