woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
