I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
