Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I showed him my bush... on skype.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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