is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
