You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
