i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
