and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize