The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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