she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
The power of my boobs compel you
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
