I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
And then my night got REAL pukey
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
