I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
