...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
