a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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