Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
