I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
