I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
