i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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