K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
