I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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