How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
