I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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