Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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