It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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