dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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