dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
