My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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