Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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