I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
