I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
