Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
