I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
