You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
