you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
