Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
