I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize