do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
