She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
