It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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